It is a rainy day in Richmond. Most of the time rainy days don't really get to me, but today was different. I have been close to tears off and on several times. I am not sure exactly why. Maybe it is because of the season. Some people do get a little melancholy during the holidays. Usually that is not me. I really love this time of year. I was born on Christmas day and entering the Advent season is typically a joyous time for me and my family. Maybe it is because of the kids all having one kid ailment or another over the last week. Really that is no excuse either. My kids have been sick before and I've not been deeply sad.
If I am truly honest with myself and seek hard enough for the source of my heart ache I am able to pin point something. In stating this fact I hope that I will not hurt feelings. (It is certainly not my intention.) So here goes. I believe that I am once again grieving for the son that I have lost.
That sounds rather ominous. So I will explain myself. Over the last several days I have come face to face with a precious little
one named Max. He is my 11 month old nephew. Max is beautiful; soft and cuddly and starting to walk. Actually, today I watched as he stood himself up and walk across the living room. Things that Aiden should have been doing years ago--literally!!! It is hard to watch and be excited, as I truly want to be, when my own son works so hard to simply stand up. This sounds like a pity party and I am sorry. Honestly, I am having a bit of an emotional day. (I have tried very hard to be transparent in my writing so there will be days like this.) I want to believe in my mind that things will work out; that Aiden will be ok; that someday it will be easier, but my head really gets in the way.
In my life there are days when I feel like I can conquer the enemies that loom on the horizon of the future; like they will fall at my feet because of the power that is at work in me. Today, I am struggling to see beyond my circumstances. So what am I supposed to do? What are you supposed to do if you are in the same place?
I think that my focus for the next several whatevers (days,weeks, months, whatever it takes) will be Psalms 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." I will find the peace that passes understanding (Phil 4:7) because I know that God is faithful to His children; me and Aiden.
I have included rainy day pictures of Aiden today because he got to wear his jammies all day. He also got to do two of his favorite things: read books and watch some TV. He has run a fever and had a stuffy nose for the last several days so a pj day was a good thing.
Please continue to pray for us as we try to get back into our PT schedule. Also, as we head into this week, I would really like to complete the therapy room. That would be a great answer to prayer. Thank you for your involvement in our lives through the blog. Comments are great and let me know that I am not just writing for my own sanity (although that is actually true). As well, continue to pray for Shannon and her family. I haven't heard this week-end, but am hopeful that they are well into the recuperation process.
Blessings to all,
Christa
2 comments:
Christa,
For different reasons, I truly know some of what you might be feeling.
I think it might be similar to the sorrow that crops up even years later after a miscarriage or failed in-vitro. It's that little voice that says, "what would it be like if I had a child X years old now ?" or "what would things be like if ....? "
It is natural to wonder and have those feelings. I think likely they will pop up on occasion forever. Don't beat yourself up--don't feel ungrateful for what you have. Part of having any child is grieving the child we created in our minds before their birth. We always create a child who is perfect in everyway--never collicky, always smiley, perfect body, etc.... Sadly, when a child has challenges, there is more loss to grieve.
Just remind yourself that you are normal and are in a time of struggle as Aiden conquers new skills and EVERYONE wants the most he can be.
peace...julie
I'm always a day late...I'm just getting caught up with your posts as I sit here and read some blogs I follow. I read yours right after reading one that applies to your situation. Check it out at http://kerryhasenbalg.typepad.com/blog/2008/11/when-ashes-remain---part-ii.html
I understand grieving what might have been. I'm sorry you're grieving.
Keep on being real,
Kim
Post a Comment