A gift on Sunday

I wish that I could print pictures from my brain. If I could I would play back my church service from this last Sunday. Let me try to describe it for you.

In our church there is an area between the back row of seats and the back wall. It's open and carpeted and perfect for a little guy who likes to walk around, read a book or snack on cookies during church. It's where we usually make camp on Sunday mornings. So when I stepped onto the platform in the front of the sanctuary with the choir I looked for my men in the back. Neither Dave nor Aiden were there.

Our choir director was sharing some scripture that had really spoken to her and was talking about the song we were going to sing (Never let Go). I have to admit that I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have because I was still looking for Aiden. That's when I saw him. He had walked down the side aisle and was peeking around the front pew.

Aiden did the rounds; he visited with Pam as she spoke, visited with the pastor's wife, the elder and his wife. He walked to the other side of the sanctuary and looked at the kids sitting in the front. He walked over to one of our exchange students who promptly scooped him into her lap where he stayed until the song was over and then he returned down the center aisle to visiting on his way back to Dave.

"Yeah, that's cute Christa, but what's the big deal?" you may be saying to yourself. Well here it is. Firstly, I had just shared with the congregation what you read in my last blog...that I had been questioning God's wisdom in placing Aiden with us and that I realized that I needed to rely on the Lord's power for my strength. Secondly, God, in His grace and wisdom, has placed us in a church family where Aiden, instead of being seen as a problem or a distraction, is seen as a gift and a miracle. The elder or his wife, the choir director or the pastor's wife could easily have whisked Aiden back to Dave and rebuked us later for allowing our child to wander in during the service. Instead, I was encouraged to remember that Aiden is not only a miracle to my family, but also to our collective church family; that he is a blessing and reminds people of God's faithfulness and love. Finally, I was reminded by Aiden's walk around that God has allowed me to have some part in this child's progress.

I cried as we sang "Oh no, You never let go through the calm and through the storm. Oh no You never let go in every high and every low. Oh no You never let go. Lord you'll never let go of me." He won't ever let go. I can trust that even on the days when I feel like I have totally blown it and I want to hang up my mommy crown He will carry me; even in the middle of the night when I can't figure out why my son is running a fever or my older kids refuse to comply I can trust that He will guide me (if I listen). He'll never let me go.

Blessings to you all on this day.
Christa

So you think things are under control

You know how sometimes you think that you have everything under control; the clothes are washed and put away, the dishes are done, the toilets are clean and the kids are behaving? Everything seems to be in order and life is good. Then the dam breaks and all of the under control things become the out of control things! This has been my life for the last several weeks (actually since December 27th). "What in the world happened?", you may be asking yourself. Well, I am going to give you the short (though not sweet) version of the last 2 months.


The evening of December 27th Aiden did something to his foot/ankle. We really don't know what happened, but suffice it to say, we ended up in the ER with Aiden unable to take weight on his left foot. He was put into a splint to immobilze his knee (because that was where we thought the injury was) and we headed home. Turns out the reason that he whimpered all night was because the injury was to his foot/ankle and it was totally unprotected!!! So to the orthopedist we went the next day where Aiden was put in a walking boot.


I thought that all was well until Friday (Dec 31) when the skin on Aiden's ankle showed some blistering. Because of the way his ankle rolls in it was rubbing on the metal brace. Skin break down is a really bad thing so the splint had to be changed. (Just for fun, let's see how many of you know how many doctors are in the office on New Years Eve day?) I spent an hour on the phone trying to find the ortho on call, have him call me back, etc. Finally, we ended up in the same ER having them build a posterior splint. We had difficulty two more times with his splinting. It was so bad that at one point during the five week recooperation time Aiden had to stay strapped into his stroller to keep him off of his foot.


January 25th provided us with a clean bill of health from the orthopedist!!! Aiden was released to walk to his heart's content (and he has)!


Just over a week later (8 days to be exact) Aiden began vomitting (and vomitting and vomitting). He vomitted 18 times in 2 hours. It was like a massive barf-a-rama! Turns out this was the start of influenza; you know the respiratory thing! He ran a fever of in excess of 103 without ibuprofen for 8 days. It took another 4 or 5 days for him to start feeling like himself again. Although Addison and I managed to dodge the influenza bullet, Dave and Aaron succumbed to the virus. It was miserable around our house; hacking, coughing, snot everywhere. We went through 5 or 6 boxes of tissues in 4 days! ( I should buy stock in Kleenex!)


As everyone began showing real signs of recovery I drew a deep breath of relief; finally we were all healthy. I should have waited just a couple of days. This past Wednesday I woke up exhausted. Aiden had been whimpering all night long. I knew that something was wrong, but he was never awake so I just listened; all night long. I got him up early and we went down stairs just in time for the vomitting to begin. ("Not again", you may be saying...imagine what I was saying :) Seems that Aiden, almost over night, became constipated! Ughh!!! Just when you think things are smooth sailing (there is no sailing). Two enimas and three doses of Miralax later and things are finally moving normally. I never thought that I would be so glad to have to change a poopy diaper.


Last night, as I pondered all that has gone on over the last two months I came to a conclusion. I have been working this program on my own. I have not been trusting that the Lord has things in His control. When we started this cycle in December I was just stunned and I could feel myself loosing the battle over despair. I wanted to know how things could be so hard for Aiden and why I wasn't able to protect him. (What a defeating feeling to not be able to protect your child.) The feelings only got worse with each time the splinting didn't work. Once the flu started I was not holding on to the hand of Jesus; it's hard to hold on when you're hiding your face in your hands. My heart was so defeated that I could only hide. Unfortunately, I was not hiding myself in the Lord.


I would love to say that I saw the error of my ways and turned to Jesus for His help, forgiveness and strength. Actually, I grumbled, complained and agrued with the Lord. (Really mature, huh?) Needless to say, it was ineffective. I think the Lord let me wallow so that I could realize that it could be worse, and I was powerless to control it. (Enter the constipation issues!!)


Since this last hurdle happened just this week, I am not beyond this struggle. I am right in the middle and praying that today will bring me one step closer to walking beside my Savior. I know that right now I am being carried since I am so unable to move forward on my own power. I want to find rest, solace, and refreshing in the Lord.

But those who wait on the Lord [who expect, wait for, and hope in Him] shall change and renew their power; they shall lift their wings and mount up like eagles; they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint or become tired. Isaiah 40:31 amplified

I want that to be me; on wings, not tired, finding victory over the day to day events that can drag me down. I am waiting on the Lord for guidance and healing.

Thanks for wading through all of this mess. I am sorry that it was long and drawn out, but it has been two months. Please pray that I am able to spend time with Jesus daily and that health descends on my home!

Blessings to you all,

Christa

Christmas morning...thoughts of Mary

I promise that later in the day (or maybe tomorrow) I will have a brighter outlook on this day of days, but right now I am really struggling; with the celebration, the beauty, the uncertainties, the ultimate loss. I look forward to my Christmas miracle and I have ever since we knew that Aiden was different. I haven't seen it yet, but I still hope.


As I await my miracle I realize that this day is in essesnce the celebration of a miracle. More than 2000 years ago a young woman (much younger than me) was entrusted with the responsibility of firstly accepting the fact that she was pregnant, unmarried and still a virgin. Then in the midst of the whole thing was carrying the child that would be the savior of the world; the messiah. I cannot imagine being required to wrap my mind around all of that, much less grasp the enormity as a teenager! (Remember that Mary was probably only 15.)

But this morning, as I have been sitting and really struggling with what I see as the probable outcome for my littlest one, the son of my heart, I wonder at Mary's ability to "treasure" the things that were said about Jesus in "in her heart". Did she truly understand the end result for the child she would raise as her own? Did her heart break a little each day as she realized that with each day that Jesus grew into a man he was walking closer to the end that would ultimately be required of him?

I cry, sometimes daily, for the possible outcomes I see in the future for our Aiden. I cry for myself because it is sometimes so difficult to face each day knowing that "normal" will never be normal for our family. I cry for Aiden because he may never understand; how much we love him, what he could become, what the world holds. Then I cry again because I am so small minded that I don't regularly see what blessings I have been given in the fact that I am priviledged to parent such an amazing child; one who works so hard everyday, who loves as much as he can and gives freely all that he has to give.

All this to say, Thank you Lord Jesus that I am not faced on a daily basis with the fear that my son's ultimate end will be an early death. Did Mary know? Did she know?

Today as you and your families give gifts and enjoy eachother remember how blessed you are. I don't say this because you may be a family with children facing no challenges, I say this because no matter the challenges we are blessed; all of us.

Pray with me today: Thank you Lord for the blessing of all children. Give us eyes to see the gifts that we have each been given; life, love, opportunities to bless others, family, the privilidge to praise and worship the God who created the universe. Show us your will for us this Christmas. In Your name Jesus, Emmanuel, God with us,
Amen.

Blessings to you all this Christmas day,
Christa

A Christmas tradition

Christmas is a very sentimental time for me; not only is it a special holy time in the life of a christian, but it is also my birthday. Therefore, I attempt to keep my focus on the reason we celebrate instead of on the busy-ness. One of the ways that I try to do this is through books; Christmas books and lots of them!

I have repeated several this year: Shepherds Abiding (Jan Karon), Christmas in My Heart (Joe Wheeler). My devotional this year is a repeat too; The Power of a Christmas Prayer (Stormie Ormartian). Of all of the Christmas books that I have read this season this devotional is hands down the most amazing. It puts you in the middle of the lives of Elizabeth, Mary, Zacharias and Joseph. You are able to feel the excitement that Elizabeth and Zacharias felt upon hearing that they would be parents. You are put in the place of a young unmarried woman who finds herself pregnant and you struggle with Joseph to do the best thing in their situation.

I am a little behind in the reading ( I should be somewhere closer to the trek to Egypt). Today I was with the shepherds on the hills outside of Bethlehem. I saw the heavenly hosts, heard the angels as they sang, fell to my knees with wonder that the Lord God Almighty would find me worthy to hear such an announcement. I was (and am) amazed.

The shepherds were lowly people in their society. They were not important to anyone (except the owner of the flock). They made little money, had little power and little significance. They were nobodies. Honestly, there are days when I can relate.

But you know, God found them important enough to hear His heavenly announcement. He saw them as worthy enough to seek out the baby and his parents; to be among the first to worship the Emmanuel, God with us! Their job was to go and see without asking the reasons why. They were blessed because they went. This gives me great insight into the way God sees us. There are no lives without significance in the eyes of our Heavenly Father. We are precious to Him and of great value.

In our home, where we live daily with a child who is different in the eyes of society, we are faced with the chance that someone will look at our little one as less than worthy; insignificant. I have to be reminded that it was to the shepherds angels announced Jesus' birth; through the shepherds that news of Jesus' birth was spread; that shepherds were the first to humbly approach the stable to worship. These lowly men were granted the blessing of all time and through them others were blessed with the news.

Aiden is our shepherd!

I have heard the news that God loves even the lowly. I am seeing that I can live the life of a patient woman. As a family, we are learning to see miracles in the small things daily. I can see the face of Jesus in Aiden's eyes daily.

Friends, as you celebrate the birth of the Son of God, Emmanuel, remember that no one is outside the hand of God; not even the lowly. And on the days when you feel like you are lower than the shepherds remember that God uses the humble and gives them grace for everyday.

O, Come let us adore Him, Christ the Lord!!

Christa

My baby is growing up

I remember sitting on the couch, bloodpressure 159/99, waiting for the doctor to call to let me if I was going to be induced. I was miserable and definitely ready to have the baby who was making me feel so bad.

I had been on bed rest for about 6 weeks before Aaron was born. I was seeing stars, had carpal tunnel in both hands, was gaining weight daily, and had been attached to the stress test machine so many times I could hook it up myself! I was ready to be done.


An early morning trip to the hospital set me up with medication to induce me, glucose and because of my preeclampsia, magnesium sulfate. Apparently, Aaron was not quite ready to be born. There was no baby that day (what a disappointment).

So after a restful night in labor & delivery(oh I am being so sarcastic right about now!!!) (No disrespect to any OB nurses out there; I love you!) my doctor decided that my bag of waters should be broken. This certainly moved things
along. Aaron was born 5 hours later.

What a change this spectacular event has had on my life. November 14th 1997 was not only the birth of my son; it was the birth of our family. Dave and I let go of the freedom of being a couple and gratefully (and fearfully) took up the mantle of parenthood. I have never truly regretted that choice.

The blessings of parenthood have and continue to be overwhelming; hugs and kisses everyday,

laughter and smiles regularly, an opportunity to see childhood through someone else's eyes and to

even have the chance to do some of those things

again.

To Aaron I am forever grateful. He made me a mommy. His birth showed me that I could love someone with my whole heart in minutes. I grew up the day Aaron came into the world. Through him I have learned that you can "make bread" in the sandbox, "nakes" from the birch tree aren't really scary, and everyday can be my "shining time".

We celebrated this birthday with a camp out at the house. Five guys outside with fire, hobo meals, and s'mores. It was a coming of age activity for Aaron and a getting old activity for me. But honestly, I am so proud of the young man that he is becoming.

Blessings to you Aaron. I love you so much.

Mom

A SCARY DAY!!!

I feel like for the most part I am a level-headed person. I have handled some pretty serious emergencies in the past; bloody noses, bloody lips, broken arms, etc. As well, for the most part, I try not to live life in fear of the bad things that could happen on a daily basis. I have to admit, however, that since Aiden was born my level of anxiety has been higher. Still, I do try to keep things in perspective. This having been said, when we got a call from Aiden's attendant Tara on Tuesday last week I was a little scared.

Dave and I had gone out to have a quick cup of coffee before he had to go to work last Tuesday. Let me tell you, it was a quick cup of coffee! We had only been in the restaurant for 15 minutes; just long enough for the waiter to put the coffee on our table and for me to get my requisite 5 creamers and sugar in the cup. With my first sip (and my last) my phone rang with the message that Aiden was not acting right and we should come right home.

Dave and I sprang from the table, paid for the coffee, cancelled our breakfast order and headed out to our cars (we had driven separately so Dave could head to work). I have not driven that fast in a long time!!! On the way I was talking to Tara about the incident and calling the pediatrician's office. We were advised to bring Aiden to the office immediately.

I would guess that by this time you are wondering (especially after the lego choking incident) what was happening. So here goes. Aiden had been running a fever since Sunday morning. By Tuesday morning his fever seemed to have broken and when Dave and I left he was fever free. Apparently, between the time we left and the fifteen minutes to the call from Tara his fever went up, rather quickly. While standing watching TV Aiden started to shake (the doctor thinks that he was shivering). He was also grinding his teeth (perhaps because he is unfamiliar with the way chattering feels). He did not; however, loose consciousness, become rigid, fall, drool or loose control of his bowels (bladder is up for grabs).

We have been told that if Aiden didn't have seizures by 3 he was not likely to have them. I do not want to think that this was a seizure, but it scared me like I haven't been afraid in years. Now when Aiden yawns or his eyes begin to cross a little or he looses his balance I feel fear begin to grip my heart. I feel like we have seen so much progress; so many steps forward. Seizure activity would be a gigantic step back. My heart breaks with the thought and I cry out to God, "Lord what are you doing?"

I am doing my best to step away from the "what ifs" and focus on the facts. God is good all the time. He loves Aiden more than I do. He loves me more than I do! :) His desire is for our good. Finally, because I am a God's child fear has no control over me.

Please pray for us. Pray that Aiden has no other incidents. Pray for me; that I am able to rest in the Lord daily. Thank you all so much for remembering us.
Blessings,
Christa

Another first for Aiden

I have really been struggling with the best way to provide Aiden with the best education possible. Don't misunderstand; I am not interested in the least in sending Aiden to public school. I am convinced that they would be unable to provide the protection that he requires and as a result, I would either feel obligated to be in attendance or I would have daily anxiety attacks worrying about him. This having been said, homeschooling is the best option.
So the job of finding the right program for Aiden became my focus. I haven't been putting it off.

I have actually been looking for programs for him for over a year; hours on the internet searching.....phone calls, emails. It has been consuming. I believe that I've found a good option, but I really want Aiden to have the opportunity to be with other kids; to learn to play and maybe even have a real friend someday. (What mommy doesn't want that for her child?)

So how do I make this happen for Aiden? Firstly, we have been working on attending some part of Sunday school weekly. I go with him (I get to play too!) usually for snack and praise time. (This Sunday he made it through the puppet program.) As well, Aiden is attending the Messy Class in our homeschool co-op.

The Messy Class is all about getting your hands dirty. Aiden attended his first class 2 weeks ago Friday. He got to play with homemade play dough. They had primary colors: red, blue, and yellow. They got to mix secondary colors: green, purple, and orange. Aiden squeezed the dough, patted the dough and pushed the dough. His favorite colors were blue and green. (He picked them every time!!) I think that he had fun!

I know that it is not rocket science or medical school, but for us it is a step forward in providing Aiden with options for his future. We will continue to do our best for Aiden; to reach beyond what we or anyone else may think limits him in order to seek God's best for him. It is a challenge, sometimes moment by moment, but one that we will do our best to meet.

Please continue to pray for us. Pray for Aiden to continue to make steps forward both in fine motor skills and in communication. As well, pray that Dave and I will have the wisdom to do what is best for our family.

Blessings to you all,

Christa